Tar Bacon

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Tar Bacon was an April Fool's Day prank pulled by the Department of Marketing and Department of Technology in 2013.

Introductory Post

This is the post made by Arie Davion introducing the members of the site to Tar Bacon


Hours after gleaning the Membership Survey it became obvious that we needed to re-think our strategy and focus of Tar Valon. The books have finally come to an end and we have been left with that bittersweet tasteless lingering of ‘what now’. What could we possibly do to fill that void and satisfy our hunger for the divine of the written word. The debate continued for countless hours as we tossed back and forth to find the perfect direction to fill that craving for a true and real experience.


Thankfully we didn't have to search so far as at least 96.35% of the membership base here at the Tower have mentioned or brought focus to one very hot and important topic. Bacon. Naturally, we drooled over the idea and could not contain our excitement and have declared that we are no longer Tar Valon, but Tar Bacon. It will take time to change over our domain to our new theme, but in the meantime we have now introduced to you the true focus of 2013, and what you can expect throughout the year!


To really bring home the Bacon and explain the focus of this tasty endeavor, let us look at some facts and statistics. After all, this can't be called upon as a silly notation or a bitter bacon bit! We could not have that, now could we? It is already a known fact that our Membership base is comprised more of women than of men. Bacon is more attractive to men than women, and let’s admit it we could use a few more good men among our ranks. What is more Bacon is a known aphrodisiac and it is proven to be addictive with 6 types of umami (which produces an addictive neurochemical response). Not only do we become substantially more attractive but if you thought we were an addictive site before, chances are they will continue to return and reduce our inactive membership.


It will also become the perfect inspiration to our morning after Tower Parties, as its magical properties cure those nasty hangovers. After all, not only is Bacon rather tasty, but Pork is quite nutritious. At least, pork is. Bacon isn't the healthiest but does that change whether we eat it or not? There are other alternatives not only for those watching the waistline, but also those who don't eat pork for religious or other personal reasons. We did not forget about you. Did you know that Bacon Bits are vegetarian? There is even Baconnaise that is also vegetarian. Not to mention all the other alternatives! While pork isn't for everyone Bacon still can be!


Come, let us celebrate our glorious future and proclaim to the world the glorious nature that is Bacon! Fill up on your bacon facts, test your knowledge at one of our glorious booths and share your creativity at one of our glorious contests (that even include a prize or two!). But we won't stop there! Our lustrous shop has been filled with bacon bits that will be sure to be a treat to even the non-bacon people. Do not forget to stop by our Kevin Bacon Statue and pay homage to the man of Bacon himself. Today is a day of celebration, and may the Bacon be with you!


Contests

Several bacon-themed contests were held during Tar Bacon.

Poetry: Amusing Verse of Bacon

A poetry contest was held. The main rule in this contest was that each poem had to contain the words:

  • to be added
  • to be added
  • to be added
  • to be added

The winner of this contest received an item of his choice from the TarValon.Net CafePress store.

The following poems were selected as the top three entries by the judges.

By Eleyan al'Landerin

Moppet, are you making bacon?
Sweet and crispy, epic bacon?
Never kosher, salty bacon?
That with it we may break our fast?

Strips of fatty belly, only -
(Pork "Canadian" is phony.
Still, it's better than bologna)
Yummy to the very last!

You can serve it up with tea cakes,
Or with matzo balls and cheesecake.
Serve it with some eggs and beef-steak.
All the bacon, it is mine!

As long as is it from a piggy.
Brontosaurus is too biggy.
Gerbil bacon is too wiggy.
Bacon has to come from swine!

Lumberjacks will dance for bacon,
Deacons will themselves awaken,
Ogier will ignore Forsaken,
Just to grab a golden bite.

Circus clowns will go a flying,
Senators will cease their lying,
When they smell the bacon frying
At the break of day's first light.

I don't want your kumquat salad.
Bacon's great with nothing added.
(Yes, that's a diphthong in my ballad)
Bacon always makes my day!

If it's cold, then just reheat it.
Don't like bacon? You can beat it.
GIVE IT TO ME - I WILL EAT IT.
That is all I have to say.

The Jew's Lament by Nymala Ingasy

Schlomo looked glumly at his plate
As the rich aroma drifted over the cubicle wall
The goy next door was at it again
Driving him crazy with the smell of bacon

At first he could ignore it
Secure in his religious task
But the smell grew overwhelming
Like a brontosaurus meeting a hippopotamus meeting Chewbacon

He stared out his window at the river beyond
No Hebrew National bologna would do
Nor felafel or even American cheese on matzo
He wanted to walk on the tref side

His heart beat like a gerbil on a wheel
His epic mission clear
Like a lumberjack falling a mighty oak
He would conquer his fear

Suddenly his boss appeared, serene like a deacon
"Where are you going, moppet?" she asked.
He lied like Swiss cheese and escaped
Her snickers filled his burning ears

Schlomo found himself at the supermarket
In search of the non-kosher swine
He could no longer deny
The siren song of bacon

The choices were dizzying
Back, streaky? Canadian?
He grabbed a pack at random
Nearly knocking over a display of tea cakes

His mouth filled with bacon
He laughed and crammed in provolone cheese
He cursed the goy with all his heart
But he no longer wailed the Jew's lament.

Winner: By Horatio Spifflewicket

Upon a day in early spring
in Tar Valon it is the thing
to take some time to pause and hear
the loud and joyful bacon ring.

Your task this day is not so hard
it is for you to be The Bard
and let sweet words of praise flow forth
to honor Bacon with regard.

Not any form of praise will do
a poem is what's required of you
a few more limits stay your hand
for the award that you pursue.

The structure, meter, beat, and rhyme
are yours to find in given time
no rules on that, but for the length:
thirty-two shall give you strength.

As your hair blows in the breezes,
at least three shall number cheeses
that you honor side by side
with bacon as it's humble bride.

And listed words that you must use?
From my list choose forty-two.
Percent of course, that is the min
and now I shall, my list, begin:

Moppet, bumfuzzle, Canadian, flying,
Snickersnee, diphthong, gerbil, and barding.
Sasquatch, kumquat, chain lards on bacon,
Senator, Ogier, envelope, golden.

Hippopotamus, guitar, bologna,
Atherosclerosis, stent, and phony.
Kosher, lumberjack, epic, chewbacon,
sucker, and supermarket, plate, and deacon.

Brontosaurus, (I need a breather),
falafel, tea cakes, matzo, river.
(Just two more, get off that ledge…)
Leaving you with: Swine, and Hedge!

Now that my lengthy list is done,
Remaining rules? There is just one:
Rhymes from my list you may not use,
unless, of course, you want to lose.

Go forth, friends and comrades all!
And with this task - please have a ball!

For those who find my rhyme too dull
or the slow and dim of wit
I offer then a handle
just read the words in parenthesis and with that now, I quit!

Overall Participation Contest: Have Fun?

Keisha al'Benn won the overall participation contest by bringing the most joy and amusement to Tar Bacon participants. Her prize was an actual pair of bacon pantyhose.

Baconizing the Baconator

In this contest, the person who created the best title for the contest won the title Keeper of the Pork. Vendri al'Varrak won by creating the winning contest title, "Baconizing the Baconator."